dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
