remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize