just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
