If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
