turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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