I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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