I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
