They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
