If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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