Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm too high and old for this...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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