hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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