there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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