Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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