next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
