The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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