I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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