Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
