I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
