I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize