I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
