im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
