I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize