this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize