I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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