I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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