My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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