The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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