The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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