idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
