Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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