i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
