I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
