Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
