i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
