the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
