Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
