getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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