Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize