ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
