Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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