my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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