I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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