Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
