I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
