i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
