Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize
