Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
