I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
