I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize