I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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