It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I need a burrito and a hug.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
