I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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