There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
