how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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