Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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