Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
