I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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