If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
