You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
